Protection Peggy Style - Two Areas

Moms protect their young.  It’s pretty basic.  My Mom protected us in all areas.  I will describe two.

Protection from Scary-ness

One weekend my cousins Marnie and Brian came to visit.  We played and played.  We were rambunctious and loud and needed to be fed every few hours.  We whined and tattled on each other.  We climbed trees and got stuck.  We smeared jello on the sofas and dropped our milk on the carpet.  We poo-pooed in the guest bathroom potty and did not flush.  We wiped boogers on the cherry coffee table.

That night, the adults decided it would be a good idea for us ALL to watch a horror film.  I think it was Halloween.  Or Alien.  Something with blood and guts. 

 We were, oh, ages 10 and under.  So Mom knew just what to do.  If the movie showed a scary part – like someone’s arm being cut off or an alien making a c-section appearance- we kids would just CLOSE OUR EYES.  Perfect.

Peggy lined us up on the couch.  Me, Brian (ever so slightly older, now cleans people’s teeth for a living or something of that nature), Ginny (7), Marnie (8), Will (6).  The adults took their places in a lazy boy, probably with a beer.

Mom stood in front of us and explained:

Now, children, we are going to watch an extremely terrifying and inappropriate movie.  There will be portions of this movie that will be burned in your brains for eternity.  You will forever wonder if blood really gushes in a streaming spurt like that, or pools out in globs.  You will question your faith, whether there is really a heaven, if Aliens are here already, just living in a 4th dimension, or if they are only on outlying planets.  You will be afraid to sleep in your bedrooms, and will dig out your security blankets you long ago packed away.

  
Peggy didn’t really say that.



Ok, what Peggy really said was:

This movie is scary.  When there is a scary part, you kids are going to close your eyes. Got it?  Ok, we need to practice.  When I count to 3, I want you to close your eyes.  1, 2, 3.

You’re not closing your eyes.  Let’s try again.  Will, stop pinching Ginny.  Ashby, shut up.  Brian, look at me and listen.  This is the last time we are going to practice.  When I count to 3, you are going to close your eyes.

1


2


She mooned us.

We had not closed our eyes.


Protection from Social Humiliation

At Beck Middle School, in the mid 80’s, you did not permit your parents to pick you up in the “loop” out

front.  I did not realize this until 2 years of schooling at Beck.  Apparently, the only acceptable way is as

follows:

Your mother quietly drives down Pleasantburg Drive.  She turns into Tanners Orange (a burger joint), she casually parks in the parking lot of Tanners.   Your Mom plays no music.  Your Mom speaks to no one.  Your Mom turns off her engine and wears sunglasses.  When said 8th grade daughter crosses the street from Beck Middle School, Mom says NOTHING.  Mom does not acknowledge blessed first born AT ALL.  Mom unlocks doors, child enters the car.  If Mom is carpooling, Mom does not try to discuss any topic with ANYONE in the car.  Mom quietly deposits children at their homes. 

The problem with this plan is, Peggy drives a gold Chrysler Lebarron, the Lemon Edition.  And it hauls ass.  And even if Peggy tries to ever-so-discreetly pull into the parking lot of the esteemed Tanners burger joint, she will inadvertently gun it at the parking space.  What happens next is horrifying beyond measure.

The Gold Lemon Lebarron drives up and OVER the parking space speed bump-marker thingy.  The Gold Lemon Lebarron becomes lodged on top of the concrete bump.  And the front wheels are hovering in the air.

Meanwhile, in Beck Middle School world, terrifically insecure Ashby is walking out of her class.  Forenza sweater on her shoulders, braces on her teeth (FINALLY, Lance would say when she got them), unattractive short hair, attempting to walk beside the coolest girls EVER, ClaireMeredithKathrynWhitneyAudreyJenniferAllisonGina, etc.

Peggy panicked.  Peggy never panics.  When suddenly, a rush of activity.  Moms from everywhere. Moms who had hidden in their own lemons, behind sunglasses, with no music blaring, and acceptably mute mouths, Moms GOT OUT OF THEIR VEHICLES AND DESCENDED.  Because they knew.  And these Moms together, with their superhuman strength, LIFTED THE LEBARRON.  PICKED UP THE LEBARRON AND PUT IT BACK.

Lebarron was restored to its original spot.  Peggy re-entered the Lemon.  Peggy put on her glasses and turned off the music.  When Ashby entered the car, Peggy uttered the one acceptable comment: 

How was your day?

“Fine.”