I Have Met So Many Famous People

I am a famous person magnet!  I think the superstars sense something special in me, so they gravitate to me.  They want to be friends.  I will tell you about just a few of the famous people I know.

Ok, I will tell you about ALL the famous people I have met.

Ok, ok, I will tell you about the couple of times I have actually seen a famous person.

Once in New York I saw Tori Spelling.  We were in FAO Schwartz.  I was buying a doll.  Tori was RIGHT BESIDE ME, buying condoms.  Ok, I’m kidding.  I don’t know what she was buying. Here’s what I noticed about Tori – she is a miniature person.  Tiny in a way that normal people cannot understand.  Starvation tiny.  And her skin did not look great.  In fact it looked really bad.  And Tori looked over at me and said “Hi.  I am a famous person.  And I am so, so sad.”  I felt how sad she was.  It was all over her.  It was weird.  My first brush with a famous person did not go that well.

I passed Al Roker on a sidewalk in New York.  He was so short.  And round.  He was with a child and he was BOUNCING with happiness.  He stopped long enough to tell me “Ashby, I have a great life – I love my children and I love my wife.  What could be better than spending a Saturday holding my son’s hand?”  Joy was all around Al Roker.

My mom-in-law/Other Mother Holly and I took Maggie to see Taylor Swift in concert.  This young woman earned every penny of that ticket price.  Miss Swift actually SINGS into a microphone.  She changes outfits 25 times, she whips her hair (back and forth).  Miss Swift covers every inch of that stage, she sits in the crowd with a guitar, she smiles and winks and remembers she is in SOUTH CAROLINA even though 5 minutes earlier she was in New Jersey. 

She only took one break.  During her break, I checked my IPhone (my “freakin’ Iphone!!”) for messages from stressed out clients and pissed off lawyers.  Then we saw her.  Miss Swift had appeared at the top of the aisle.  In the nosebleed section.  Miss Swift was slowly making her way down the aisle, hugging every sweaty little girl she could find. 

There was a sweaty little girl of my own right beside me!!  My sweaty little Maggie was 3 seats away from the aisle!!  So my Other Mother and I carefully guided Maggie – ok we shoved her – to the aisle, and told her to hold out her arms for Miss Swift.  And I had the worst Mommy-Panic-Attack of my life.  Worse than the time when Maggie had rotovirus.  Even worse than the time I almost let Houston drown (“I was dreaming Mommy!”).  I had all of 5 seconds to make my Freakin’ Iphone stop collecting nasty emails so I could take a picture.  Here is a picture of me preparing to take a picture:

And here is the picture I took with my Freakin' Iphone:

When Taylor Swift hugged Maggie, she whispered in Maggie’s ear:  “You are a precious gift to your Mommy.  Margaret Holly Jones, you are wonderfully made.  You are God’s little girl.  There was never anyone like you before, and there will never be another sweet Maggie.”

With local celebrities, I am not nearly as cool.  Like a few weeks ago, when our Governor Nikki Haley sat directly behind me at Maggie’s dance recital.  Now, let me be clear that our Governor has lived in my hometown for years and sold my Mom a Mother of the Groom Dress.  I have been to fundraisers for this Governor.  In other words, there is NO REASON for me to act like a lunatic when I see her.  So when I turned around and she was sitting there with her family (all alone on the row, I’m sure for safety), I stumbled. 

I thought of the only appropriate-respect-showing-but-natural-something-I-say-everydayoftheweek and I said: 

“Hey, . . .. Judge!”

But this wasn’t the worst humiliation I have brought on myself with a local celebrity.  About 10 years ago, I embarrassed myself in front of Robbie McBride.  I know you have heard of our pastor Robbie.  Robbie grew our Presbyterian church from a handful of parishioners to bursting-at-the-seams humongous.  God had a lot to do with it too.  But mostly ‘cause God spoke through Robbie.  When Robbie preached, it made you understand Jesus.  When Robbie preached, you understood the fancy passages better.  The words contained in the Book – they applied to YOU.  Robbie was famous for this.

We lived right behind the Mammoth Church.  So one day I was in a major hurry.  To get to Publix.  For what I don’t know because we didn’t have kids yet and I can’t remember needing something desperately before kids.  So, at the entrance to my neighborhood and alongside our Mammoth Church, there are three lanes of traffic.  And only one of these lanes goes straight to the Publix. 

And if you ask me the wrong lane has been designated as the straight lane.  Because it should be the FAR RIGHT lane, not the one in the middle.  What idiot engineer designed this intersection???  Show thyself.

So I pull up to the intersection, in the right lane.  Red light.  Then the light turns green.  And this obnoxious SUV to my left pulls forward.  This obnoxious and haughty SUV pulls STRAIGHT as if HE is going to Publix!  Where I am going!!! 

So I whipped my head to the left, and I shot the SUV driver a mean look and I raised my right hand and justbeforeIliftedthesymbolicmiddlefinger . . . Robbie smiled at me.  And he teased me about this relentlessly thereafter.

But Robbie forgave me for almost shooting him the bird.  And he still included me in his messages.  Or should I say, he let God specifically speak to me in his messages. 

Because years later I was working on baby #2.  And baby #2 was not cooperating.  Despite my planning and mapping out.  Despite my paying for childcare to reserve a space for Baby #2 even before Baby #2 was conceived.  Despite my insistence that Baby #2 must be only 2 years younger than Baby#1 because that just makes sense.

Despite all this, I lost Baby #2.

Twice.

And a girl like me, with a bowl cut and a to-do list, with a plan, and an affinity for check-marks, a girl like me didn’t handle that real well.  So, one Sunday at Mammoth Church, looking up to the famous person who I almost shot the bird, weeping during the sermon because my wishes and desires weren’t being met on my timetable, Famous Robbie told me this:

 
And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

Luke 11:9

9 Months later, I met a superfamous person.  In person.  And he mostly screamed and wailed about his dirty diaper and the cold hospital room.  So I did most of the talking. And I didn’t say anything lame, no not yet (I will save the lame comments for his teenage years).  I just told him I loved his work, even though the last 9 months of entertainment had been mostly nauseating, I was looking forward to his future projects. 

I whispered in his ear:  “You are a precious gift to your Mommy.  Houston Samuel Jones, you are wonderfully made.  You are God’s little boy.  There was never anyone like you before, and there will never be another sweet Houston.”